The fleeting moments of decency in high-conflict personalities are not signs of recovery, but calculated phases within a cycle of abuse.
The Myth of the Personality Miracle
There is a pervasive hope among those in relationships with narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, and sociopaths that one day, the 'real' person they glimpsed during the honeymoon phase will return permanently. However, barring a non-existent personality transplant, these individuals are unlikely to ever be normal. By 'normal,' I mean not personality disordered. This isn't a rhetorical flourish or a lack of compassion; it is a clinical reality. These individuals have brains that are literally wired differently, with observable variations in brain activity and structure.
Neurological studies have demonstrated that those with Cluster B disorders often show reduced activity in the prefrontal cortex, which governs decision-making and impulse control, while the amygdala—the brain's center for fear and aggression—may be hyperactive. While these biological realities explain their pathology, they do not absolve them of responsibility. These individuals still possess the capacity to control their behavior when it serves their interests, such as during the 'love bombing' stage or when facing legal consequences. They are not incapable of behaving; they simply choose when to deploy decency as a tool for manipulation.
The Calculated Mask of Normalcy
When a narcissist or borderline temporarily 'turns off' the chaos and behaves like a functional human being, it is rarely random. These moments are often part of a sophisticated performance of impression management. They shift gears to present the version of themselves that best serves their current goal, whether that is seducing a new partner, avoiding a divorce, or maintaining a favorable public image. They want to appear good rather than actually being good.
It is a dangerous trap to mistake these fleeting glimpses of decency for actual change. If they can hide their malevolence during the initial stages of a relationship to hook a partner, they are proving they have the cognitive faculty to regulate themselves. The fact that they only do so intermittently suggests that their 'normal' behavior is a mask, not a transformation. When the mask slips, the underlying pathology remains unchanged, waiting for the next opportunity to reassert control.
Reloading the Super Soaker
What is actually happening during the lulls in a high-conflict relationship? More often than not, the individual is simply 'reloading.' Even the most high-energy, drama-driven personalities need time to sleep, regroup, and recharge. While their rage fuels an adrenaline-driven high that allows them to maintain conflict for longer than a healthy person could endure, they eventually hit a point of exhaustion. These quiet periods often align with the 'reconciliation' stage of the abuse cycle.
Victims often experience these lulls as a relief, but they are actually the 'tension-building' phase in disguise. This period of calm is the glue in the 'glue trap' of the relationship. It provides the victim with just enough hope to stay, creating a psychological reset that prepares them for the next round of abuse. Without these periods of calm, most people would leave immediately; the lull is what makes the cycle sustainable for the abuser.
The Gambling Addict’s Dilemma
The mechanism that keeps victims stuck in these relationships is known as intermittent positive reinforcement. This is the same operant conditioning model that makes gambling and slot machines so addictive. Because the 'payoff'—a kind word, a normal dinner, a night without screaming—happens on a variable ratio schedule, the victim becomes conditioned to persist through long periods of loss in hopes of hitting the next jackpot.
When a client tells me, 'But she can be so nice sometimes,' I know they are pinning their hopes on this reinforcement. This creates a state of cognitive dissonance where the victim begins to second-guess their own reality. They wonder if they were the problem or if the abuser has finally seen the light. In reality, the 'good times' in these relationships are usually just an absence of overt aggression. In a healthy partnership, the absence of hostility is the baseline, not a rare reward to be celebrated.
The Trojan Rhubarb and Other Tactics
In post-separation or co-parenting scenarios, the 'normal' act often takes the form of 'Trojan' offerings—small, seemingly helpful gestures that hide a deeper agenda. Whether it is an unexpected gift for the children or an offer of garden vegetables, these gestures are often used to test boundaries or set the stage for a future favor. One of my clients calls these 'Trojan rhubarb'—a peace offering that actually serves as a probe to see if the victim’s guard is down.
There are several reasons a disordered ex might suddenly act normal: they may be between enablers and need your attention, they might be facing a self-inflicted financial crisis and are gearing up to ask for money, or they might be experiencing 'duper’s delight' as they plot a new scheme. They might even just be burnt out from their own drama. Regardless of the reason, the behavior is driven by their needs, not a genuine desire for a harmonious relationship.
Breaking the Cycle of Vigilance
If you find yourself in the 'eye of the hurricane,' do not be fooled by non-apology apologies or empty promises. These are almost always dishonest attempts to escape consequences, a tactic known as 'hoovering.' Instead of indulging in wishful thinking, use these periods of calm to strengthen yourself. Focus on your health, your children, and your own interests. Use the downtime to build the resources you will need to eventually exit the cycle entirely.
Ultimately, narcissists and borderlines are not driven by the same desires for mutual respect and fairness that you are. They thrive on zero-sum games and power struggles. Recognizing that they will never be 'normal' is the first step toward reclaiming your own sanity. You deserve a life defined by stability and peace, not one spent waiting for the next mask to fall. Seek support from those who understand these dynamics, and remember that you are not alone in this struggle.